This is one of my steps toward self-acceptance. I was afraid of making up my mind to do it. It is scary to accept this part of myself, scary to be unaccepted by others, scary to show myself to the world looking like this. There were many different feelings.
I’ve had alopecia (an autoimmune disease, which causes hair loss) for a long time, but I have never had such a strong episode before. During the last six months, I only left home only in a headdress. Not a lot hair was left, so I hid it from everyone and from myself. But I am who I am. It is a fact. I decided to shave off the remaining hair and walk around the city without a hat. To the question “To be or not to be?”, I answer to be.
In my opinion, everyone is confronted with the question “to be or not to be” on different occasions. We are faced with this choice at different ages and different times. Maybe it happens every day. Sometimes we make choices unconsciously and impulsively. Sometimes we are hesitating for a long time.
“To be” – to present yourself to the world, to realize your good reason to exist, to be yourself. For me it means to choose myself every time, and it is much harder than it seems to be. If you chose to be, first of all you think about your needs, but not about needs of others. Also you act as you like. You don’t act in the manner that pleases significant and insignificant people.
“Not to be” – not satisfy your needs, not accept yourself, and hide all your true feelings and desires deeply inside yourself. What if somebody can see you without the protective outer shell? It seems terrible. For example, you try to remain invisible, try to present yourself in the way somebody wants you act or behave, try not to disturb others with your presence. Perhaps you always achieve something, stay strong, and never show weakness – all this effort for a feeling the acceptance from others. On the other hand, you can decide to do nothing and to give up everything in hope others finally cease to expect something of you, and so on. Everyone knows exactly what he or she would add to the list.
The price paid for this “not to be” may be equal to your whole life. People become unhappy if they don’t express their true selves. Unhappiness, dissatisfaction, disappointment exist inside in spite all efforts people make to suppress them.
Live and satisfy your needs! If your desire do not cause physical or mental harm to others, you have all rights to act. Choose yourself! Be yourself!
Someone will be able to accept others and share love with them, only when he or she accepts and loves himself/herself.
Elena Muratova
