I was born in country, where sex didn’t exist (as people knew from The Leningrad-Boston “telemost” (TV Bridge) in 1986). People simply didn’t talk about sex. In general, the topic of sex and sexuality was always covered with a layer of dirt. Even thinking about it was considered shameful. However, the more secrets and prohibitions there are, the greater the drive to find the truth.
Little by little I collected tidbits of information heard from friends, from the TV, from adults. My parents didn’t discuss sex with me. There was always a lot of shame in this topic. Shame permeated my every thought about sex, every sexual fantasy.
Situations with sexual desire were even worse – it was immediately recognized as something terrible and indecent. A respectable girl should be pure, without any dirty thoughts. Upringing with this kind of stigma wasn’t only part of my family, but permeated the whole culture. Even without direct censorship, the taboo was soaring in the air, and inhaled along the exhaust of older Russian cars.
The result of this type of upbringing and constant shame was rejection of sexuality, and often, as two go hand in hand, the body. But you can not get rid of sexual energy, you can only suppress it. After all, sexual energy is the energy of life. To protect themselves from their sexuality and sexual energy in some way, (perhaps to not to be attractive and and minimizing having to face the topic of sex) many women unconsciously grew a “chastity belt” – a layer of excess fat. It reliably protects from men’s attention, and most importantly from their own “dirty” thoughts.
If you are overweight, then most likely your mother also did not accept her sexuality, and therefore you, unconsciously, rejected yours.
All this aggravated the feelings of shame and guilt for your impulses. Our parents’ shame became our shame. After all, even the sex organs were not called by their true names.
I am just learning to do this now. Surprisingly, it is sometimes so difficult to say, for example, penis or clitoris. And it’s incredibly difficult to say it out loudly to your partner. For a long time, every time after masturbation, I waited for some punishment. The taboo on pleasure was very strong and I thought something bad must necessarily happen after my misbehavior. This is the way infantile attitude to sexuality and to sex formed.
A person in this situation does not assume her right for sexual pleasure, puts satisfaction of a partner on first place, refuses to declare her desires in sex, feels shame for actions during sexual intercourse and so on.
The fear of rejection, which is typical for overweight people, makes the situation even more painful. Therefore, big fatty layer is easy way to shut yourself off from all these unpleasant things, especially when you do not know alternative ways. What happens with sexual instincts in this context?
They shift to food. After all, food is one of the easily accessible ways to relieve physical stress, regardless of the nature of its origin. The pleasure of eating in some ways replaces orgasm.
For many years I thought that something was wrong with me, something was broken in me, because I did not get sexual pleasure, because I was torn between sexual desire and shame for feeling it. I felt trapped, probably, just like many women feel trapped in their own bodies. Only after 2 years of my own therapy I was able to talk with my therapist about situations in childhood, associated with sexuality and shame, about masturbation, about my real problems in sex.
It was scary and embarrassing, but huge tension went off and relationship with my partner acquired new colors and many new sensations that other aspects of life also improved.
Yes, it requires some efforts. Yes, many other fears and problems may be intertwined in the subject of sex. But I discovered this is not something that stands out. This is usual aspect of life as work, relationships and so on. Sexual fantasies are normal. Masturbation is natural.
Getting sexual pleasure from a partner and expressing own desires is common practice. Why do you need a “chastity belt” if you can get along without it? Moreover, without it life is much happier, more satisfying, and fuller of pleasures. There is a way out of the trap. It remains only to decide whether you stay or leave.